Regret and Misguided Souls
by Swiss With A Gun
Summary: A fic for Mello's birthday. Mello looks back on his past with Matt and regrets not staying at Wammy's House with him or telling him not to come after him, but to forget him. Look at the thoughts of Mello before he died and see what he thought about Matt... and what he regretted about telling him. MxM if you squint. T for language, death and angst.


**Hello! I would like to say one thing before we start this work of literature, come closer, closer, closer, ewwww, too close, here... I'll say it reaaaly quietly... *clears throat***

"**HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELLO 3!"**

**Okay, so in the manga, if, of course, he hadn't died *sniffle* he would've been twenty-two today, in the anime, he wouldn't have died yet (it would've been around a month until his untimely departure), so he'd be twenty years old. What! Who just called me a stalker! Just because I know that he's 5 foot 6 inches and weighs 114 pounds does NOT make me a stalker!**

**Anyway, I'll be doing a Matt, L and possibly a Near drabble as well. If I'm in a really cranky mood, I'll do a Light one. **

**But enough of me trying to make this story longer, let's get on with this :D**

**Rated T for language, death and angst.**

**Disclaimer: This is _fan_fiction, so obviously, unless I was one of the creators of Death Note and a fan of my own anime/manga/movie, then no, I do not own Death Note or Paramore. Go sue someone your own age, you egotistical lawyer monkeys!**

_**Set a few minutes before Mello's death**_

**-DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN-**

_I'm going away for a while_

_But I'll be back_

_Don't try and follow me._

It's my fault. All my fault. Maybe if I had told you about the danger, told you where I was going, what I was planning to do, to not come and find me, no matter what you felt. But I won't ever know how you felt now, will I? Sorrow, anger, betrayal? You never were the emotional type. Why did you follow me? Couldn't you see that this would get you killed?

_'Cause I'll return as soon as possible_

_See, I'm trying to find my place_

_But it might not be here where I feel safe._

Sure, my plan to find Kira involved death, but my death, not yours. I would've died and you could've taken over as the second potential successor for L. I wouldn't have been in your way, you could've become the 'M' of Wammy's House, but you didn't want to. Why didn't you take that opportunity? If I told you that I was leaving, I would've told that I'd be back, that I'd find a place where I'd fit in so that I could catch Kira and rescue you from Wammy's. It was strange, I felt safe, yet in danger at Wammy's. If the mysterious L, whom nobody has ever met, could be killed, then in our low-security orphanage, how could we feel safe?

_We all learn to make mistakes_

_And run from them, from them_

_With no direction_

_We'll run from them, from them_

_With no conviction._

If running really seemed like the only feasible escape from Kira, then I'm surprised that I had such an IQ. For a genius, I guess I was pretty stupid. I run from everything, whatever the situation. Oh, except when me and my high IQ blew up a bloody building with me still inside. Well that was really smart, wasn't it? When you make a mistake, you're supposed to learn from it, never make that mistake again. Yet all I seem to be able to do is run wildly, not caring where I end up. But I took the wrong side of the fork in the road, and ended up at your death. Should I be imprisoned for practically killing you? Conviction- 'A formal declaration that someone is guilty of a criminal offence'. No conviction? That'd mean that I wasn't guilty of getting you killed, when, really, it was all my fault that you got involved.

_'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts_

_Travellin' endlessly_

_Don't need no roads_

_In fact, they follow me_

_And we just go in circles._

My whole life is a circle; pain, anger, loss, mourning, repeat. That's all I have ever gone through in life, and I know that it won't end, not until I die and go to the flaming depths of hell. Jeez, God's probably having a great time with Satan thinking up ways to torture me for eternity. Forcing me to watch you die again and again, probably. I follow my own path, nobody else follows Mello's way, except you, you came down the road that I have been going down all my life and changed my life, making me less ignorant and juvenile.

_And now I'm told that this is life_

_That pain is just a simple compromise_

_So we can get what we want out of it._

This is my life, whatever I sacrifice should help me. Nobody should sacrifice anything for me, definitely not their whole life. It's like an exchange, pain for benefits. But what came of your departure from this world? What benefits did you get for dying? What about my scar, eh? I blew myself up to escape, but escaping just brought more pain and suffering upon you and I. This is life, eh, well that quote is true then, 'Life's a bitch, and then you die'. Life is out to get me, and, unlike people, you can't hit life, but it can slap you in the face with sheer determination... and the truth. You wake up because Life's being a bitch again and has decided that you don't deserve a lie-in, so get your lazy ass out of bed or life will kill you.

_Would someone care to classify?_

_Our broken hearts and twisted minds_

_So I can find someone to rely on_

_And run to them, to them_

_Full speed ahead_

_Oh, you are not useless_

Oh yes, broken hearts. Betrayal. You must've hated my fucking head so much when I left, even if you didn't show it to anyone. And twisted minds, yeah, my idiotic twisted mind that decided to leave you and not give a shit. I was looking for other people to help me with the Kira case, big, strong men that I could rely on, I didn't realise that I already had someone that I could rely on, you. If only I'd realised. Thought you were wimpy and useless when you enrolled in Wammy's. You were the gaming, geeky type that pissed everyone off with ignorant behaviour. It was that stereotype that saw that your original green goggles got broken in the first three days. You ignored me. I punched you. You continued to game and ignore me. I punched you again. Your nose was bleeding and it must've hurt like shit, but you seemed pretty fine with it, you were tougher than I'd first assumed, that was for sure. I took you under my wing, we actually had quite a lot in common. Anyone who tried to hurt you had my fist to answer to. Anyone who tried to pick a fight with me was kicked out due to some slight _changes_ in their monthly test scores. You were an extremely talented hacker, but you didn't cheat the tests, nor did you try, you got to second without batting an eyelid, of course, until that bastard Near showed up. You definitely weren't useless, just a little crazy with a cigarette and gaming addiction, but to be honest, everyone in Wammy's is/was crazy, and it seems that anyone whom wished to be the next L, and L himself needed to have a slightly peculiar addiction...

_Misguided ghosts_

_Travellin' endlessly_

_The ones we trusted the most_

_Pushed us far away_

_And there's no one road_

_We should not be the same_

_But I'm just a ghost_

_And still they echo me_

_They echo me in circles._

We will never stop going on, even after death. You are still here with me, playing games and smoking in my mind, your ghost will live by me until I die. We were like ghosts at Wammy's. We were not cared about, orphans, betrayed, invisible, ghosts. Confused as to why we'd been abandoned, why our parents were dead, why there was nobody willing to help us. Our parents obviously didn't care, trying to save themselves, but sadistically failing. When it came to that situation, they preferred for themselves to live, not us. If our paths are the same, then I believe that I will be joining you in the afterlife, still a ghost, my echoing past will stay, but I will be forgotten.

I'm coming for you, Matt... Mail Jeevas...

_**6 Days later**_

_Here lies Mihael Keehl, 20 years of age._

_His soul will travel forever bound to Earth._

_Born 13th December, 1992_

_Died January 26th, 2013_

_Here lies Mail Jeevas, 19 years of age._

_He laid down his life for a friend._

_Born February the 1st, 1993_

_Died January 26th, 2013_

**-DNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNDN-**

**I'm really sad now. How the hell did that turn out so sad?**

**I bet you're sick of people asking you for reviews, eh? Well, if you want more angsty drabbles, or non-angsty drabbles, then please just type a quick review below and send it to me. I always reply and I really appreciate any reviews, be it flames or long, descriptive comments. Please, help an author out here. The next drabble will be for Misa or Matt's Birthday (I will definitely do Matt), but if you like M&M friendship and humour, check out my Death Note fic, Advent Calendar.**

**Before that though, review for a plushie of a character of your choice :D**


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